Golden Globes 2024 were a new low for dying awards shows

Here they Globe again …

Preparing for the 2024 Golden Globes, the awards show made a bunch of reforms to its ethically wobbly voting body, got a new owner and moved to a different network.

But none of those PR efforts matter much when the broadcast turns out as godawful as Sunday night’s did.

If only we’d 100% canceled the Globes when we had the chance.

Wow, was this shindig agonizing. The evening was unbearably unfunny and had just two or three great speeches over three long hours.  

The whole “celebrities get drunk for our amusement” shtick was nowhere to be found. A-listers slumped in their seats frowning as though detention still had 90 minutes left to go.

The No. 1 change the Globes should have made during its period of grand reinvention? Scrap the host altogether unless they can enlist somebody as delightful and hilarious as Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell were when they presented.

5

Well, the Globes couldn’t, and viewers — not to mention the celebrities trapped in the Beverly Hilton’s ballroom — were forced to endure comedian Jo Koy’s unbearable opening monologue.

His level of humor was perhaps best exemplified by his #Barbenheimer bit.

“‘Oppenheimer’ is based on a 721-page Pulitzer Prize-winning book about the Manhattan Project,” he said. “And ‘Barbie’ is about a plastic doll with big boobies.”

I groaned so loudly, I thought my upstairs neighbor might call 911.

Koy actually made every “Oppenheimer” joke imaginable except the most obvious one: I’m bombing up here!

5

The situation became so awkward that he snapped at the crowd like it was an off night at the Comedy Cellar.

“Yo, I got the gig 10 days ago,” the comic said. “You want a perfect monologue? Yo, shut up. I wrote some of these, and those are the ones you’re gonna laugh at.”

Yes, Jo, a terrific way to begin a three-hour broadcast is by telling the audience, including Meryl Streep and Martin Scorsese, to “shut up.”

Another paralyzingly weird moment was when Koy poked fun at Taylor Swift and her football player boyfriend, Travis Kelce, the latter of whom didn’t attend.

“The difference between the Golden Globes and the NFL?,” Koy said. “We have fewer camera shots of Taylor Swift.”

Hardy har har.

The show cut to the pop star, who took a sip of wine and stared ahead glaring. Right then, Taylor was all of us.

5

And the winners? They were mostly as expected with a sprinkle of upsets.

Sunday night effectively ended the #Barbenheimer phenomenon. From now until the Academy Awards, we are #Heimer girls in a #Heimer world.

“Oppenheimer”’s Oscars chances, which were already strong, got a major boost. Christopher Nolan’s excellent movie about the father of the atomic bomb won five Globes, the most of any film — best motion picture – drama, actor (Cillian Murphy), director (Nolan), supporting actor (Robert Downey Jr.) and score (Ludwig Göransson).

“Barbie”’s, meanwhile, plummeted across the board.

The eccentric “Poor Things” beat out Margot Robbie’s Mattel movie in the best motion picture – comedy or musical category. The star of “Poor Things,” Emma Stone, also bested Robbie for best performance by a female actor in a motion picture – comedy or musical.

5

“Barbie,” which began the night with nine nods, only managed wins for best song (“What Was I Made For?” by Billie Eilish and Finneas O’Connell) and cinematic and box office achievement, which was really a default prize for “Congrats, you made the most money!”

Another big loss was Bradley Cooper’s for best performance by a male actor – drama. Murphy’s name was called instead, making it all the more likely that Cooper will lose the Oscar for the 10th time in March. 

The actor can find some solace in knowing that last year, Austin Butler was victorious at the Globes for “Elvis,” while Brendan Fraser went on to take the Academy Award for “The Whale.”

Lily Gladstone won best performance by a female actor in a motion picture – drama for her moving portrayal of a wronged Native American woman in “Killers of the Flower Moon.”

5

The big TV categories weren’t too surprising, but there were some fun twists.

“Succession” was always going to win best series – drama and actor, but who knew Kieran Culkin would take the stage instead of co-star Jeremy Strong? Matthew Macfadyen and Sarah Snook also won for their work on the HBO series.

“The Bear” and its star Jeremy Allen White won in the TV comedy categories, but so did an endearingly shocked Ayo Edebiri.

Too bad those blissful moments came about once an hour.

Guess what? Next week are the Emmys and the Critics’ Choice Awards. Then we’ll be treated to the SAGs and Oscars. It’s too much.

The best reform the Globes could possibly make next, for the sanity of everybody at home, is to just call it quits.