Gutfeld: We all saw this coming
'Gutfeld!' panel discusses the incentives of decriminalization and the release of the Fox Christmas tree arsonist
As you know, just hours after our All-American Christmas tree was torched by a babbling madman, not to be confused with Geraldo, a new tree was erected and looks absolutely fabulous. So a big 'thank you' to that adorable tiny elf Dana Perino, and all her tiny little elf friends.
It's almost as fabulous-looking as Harold Ford Jr! Yes, welcome Mr. Ford to his first time on the show. Boy, do you need a new agent. This show kills more jobs than China.
FOX NEWS' ALL-AMERICAN CHRISTMAS TREE REBUILT, RELIT AT NYC HEADQUARTERS FOLLOWING ARSON ATTACK
But it's a tribute to the spirit of the people who work here and deliver this magnificent show: you can burn down the damn tree, and we're just gunna put up another. And by we, I mean, not me. Other people did it. I didn't put it back up. The only thing I know how to put up is a two-way bathroom mirror.
But also, just hours after the fox Christmas tree was torched by a babbling madman, the babbling madman was released. CNN anchors now face more punishment than arsonists. You win, universe.
Also, here's a funny side story: a photographer told the New York Post that the arsonist had allegedly exposed himself to reporters outside the Ghislaine Maxwell trial in Manhattan last week. Okay, that's not a funny side story. But at least we found something Joe DeVito and the arsonist share in common.
And thanks to this madman, we're learning how many crimes you can get away with. Showing your junk and burning people's stuff – what Kilmeade calls a Tuesday.
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Now, I won't say the Christmas creep's name, because that's what he really wants – also, it's hard to pronounce. Is it Doosaay? Or Dooceeee?
But it's true -- the arsonist who torched the Fox News Christmas tree was freed after his arraignment Wednesday night 'cuz his charges were not eligible for bail under new liberal reform laws. He has a better chance of facing consequences from Smokey the Bear.
Who could have seen this coming? Well, we all did.
Jeanine Pirro: This whole issue has to do with the revolving door of justice. // Jesse Watters: The guy that lit the tree on fire is probably get out today or tomorrow because it’s not a felony arson. Pirro: Well it’s an offense under NY law where he has to be bailed. // Gutfeld: "So he’s gonna be out. He might be out right now.
It’s weird to live in a world, where you can actually predict the bad news – but all you get is a shrug in return. Crime is like being the guy who cleans the restrooms at "The View." You clean it up, and it’s worse the next day.
But it's not like we weren't warned! It's like a weatherman saying: "You see that category 5 off the coast of NJ and moving west at 25 mph? I think you should all get the hell out of New Jersey." And no one moves. That's our government.
We can say to them, "look - you're releasing fiends that are about to reoffend." And like Kat confronted with a simple math problem, they just stare blankly, and the fiends reoffend.
I would go through the examples of the violent felons sprung from jail thanks to bail reform – but there are so many of them, that it would take up the entire show, and bleed, literally into the next hour. And the last thing I want to do is piss off evil Shannon Bream.
But it's old news: another violent criminal is let loose to beat up another woman, sucker punch another elderly Asian, burn down a Christmas tree. That's how it works.
ALLEGED FOX CHRISTMAS TREE ARSONIST REVEALS THOUGHTS BEFORE SETTING FIRE: ‘ALL DAY LONG’
The justice system exists now to keep criminals safe from consequences. I mean, here's a typical scene playing out all over.
Skit of police interrogating a felon who has a long rap sheet but let him go so he can make a scheduled robbery
And now, the Christmas creep is free to roam and burn down other stuff. So where'd he go? Well, there is that 9 pm slot open at CNN. I kid. There’s no evidence he groped anyone.
But we all know where he went. He's now the head writer at Colbert. He turned in five cereal box tops to get the job.
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Last night Colbert lamely joked about the burning Christmas tree is getting its own show on Fox. But if that were true -- it would instantly get better ratings than Colbert. That's cuz a Christmas tree fire is way more entertaining than a dumpster fire. Remember this?
Clip of Colbert dancing with people dressed as vaccine needles
That might be a worse crime than arson. Hell, even in today's legal climate, a judge would refuse him bail for that felony. But at least he's trying to be funny – And failing. What's CNN's excuse?
Here's the cranky cricket muncher using the arson attack to slam Fox News.
Brianna Keilar: Now, no one was injured in this incident, but they could have been this is a serious incident. Obviously, it’s incredibly scary to feel that your workplace is under attack. // Unless your workplace is the Capitol. Then, according to many, many Fox News hosts, it’s not such a big deal.
Only the psychos at CNN could make an arson attack into an attack on the target. For CNN, the attack is merely an opportunity to wag your swollen finger at the people who are kicking your ass every night. How imbecilic – "yes, arson is bad, but you didn't care about January 6th." What a miserable wretch. If she got any dumber she could fill Chris Cuomo’s seat.
So the last few days show you what's good and bad about the world. This is stuff Colbert or CNN don't understand, along with others who are walled off from the consequences of unchecked crime. Thanks to a progressive perversion of incentives, criminals react to them as you would expect them to.
These people are lawless, not dumb. Meaning if consequences no longer exist for crime, they will commit more crime. And prison was once the disincentive, and it worked. Which is why we got rid of it.
We are now pissing on the grave of common sense. Now, we were lucky no one died the night of the arson. But I prefer counting on justice, not luck. It's why I avoid casinos.
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So the madman walks. Which sends a message to others like him: repercussions no longer exist for the most disgusting behavior – whether it's assault, murder, or arson.
But there's good news: the tree is back up. And like me, it looks great. And if you keep burning it down, we'll just put up another.
That's the real holiday spirit... And we need it now, more than ever.
This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld's opening monologue on the December 9, 2021 edition of "Gutfeld!"
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